a place of becoming

"....you hold me with out touch"

i sit here staring into the screen. and the
music plays on repeat. i can't get enough
of it.  it sounds like a crying when she sings.
it makes me want to lay down next you
and just look at your face. too many minutes
with out you.  i don't think you'll ever really
understand just how much... just how much.

"...something always brings me back to you.
it never takes too long."

it makes me think of what water feels like.
have you ever gone swimming at night
alone? just laid back in the water and looked
up at the sky? i think of  holding my dads hand
in the grocery store. when i was little. such soft
 hands. soft as water.

"....i want nothing more, than to drown in your
love."

right now i'm half watching a tv show. on
mute of course, but with sara bareilles
singing. over...and over on the lap top. the
soft fuzzy brown blanket on my lap. angel
with her head half on my knee, dozing. the
lights sort of dim. an african family in a small
tribe. the woman just had a baby girl.  she bathes
her and does a small ritual of  passing the child
around the hut for kisses to the forehead. then she
 looks at her and cradles herin her hands and
rocks back and forth, tired,exhausted really. just
 looking into her face and crying softly.
 instant unfathomable love.

"....you loved me cuz i was week, but i thought
that i was strong."

we search so much for ourselves. in accomplished
tasks. in the thought of others. in pay checks
and others faces, in their thought of us.  i think
of  darlene passing...i think of his grandma passing...
i think of my father passing....and i just can't
understand my own selfishness sometimes. my
own thoughts.  it's so cliche but it's so true.
most deaths really are just un expected. i don't
want to leave any bad thoughts of me on the table
if something un expected happens. i just want my
husband and my daughter and my family to know
how much i love them and that i was mostly a good
person. or atleast
i hope so.

its been a while since i've been here. mothers day,
my birthday, natalies, momma's , dougs, fathers
day...good times. chip's got a new job and he's 
really liking it. i'm very glad he's happy.
aiva's in a new day care and she's
grown so much just in her last month there.
all is well.

"....something always brings me back to you.
it never takes too long

~* you are  *~


you're an empty bottle. breaking. ringing out like a bell. no shattering movements. you simply break apart. it's always been.

you're an earthquake. heavy womanly feeling. there settling in my womb. there debating my many choices. there empty.

you're a muttered word. i hate your form and formats! but bring me life like you have... nothing yet described. bring me life. bring me passion!

you're a deep connection. and they form the rivers and river beds don't they? polishing the stones into glass. bringing life and movement. bring me meaning.

you're the heaviest matter in my universe. this "heaviness of being". such a something...... something.
 

So dinner theatre with momma in law sunday afternoon. We drove into Indiana about noon, had dinner at the theatre and watched the foot notes perform (marvelous!) before the play began. Thoroughly Modern Milly! About a small town girl that goes to the big city in the roaring 20's! it was just beautifull!
 
Mi-mi, natalie and I saw Phantom of the Opera in January down at the Center for the Arts, which was the Broadway tour so of course the show was marvelous! But these actors and actresses at the dinner Theatre were just as good...i mean really...clear, gorgeous voices...great acting...and they danced, tap danced the entire time! it made me miss the Donna Brooks Dance Academy...nix that, not miss it...just miss the tap shoes. but mi mi's already talked me back into the slippers,lol...next are the tappers.

Anyway (tangent,sorry) really just a great show! and we were so close to the stage I kept tapping it with my toe. such talent. beautifull!

Afterwards momma and I met Chip and Aiva at Grandpas to see Uncle Bob and Aunt Janet. I liked them both  instantly. Had a good visit. And then afterwards back home where Aiva and I drew with sidewalk chalk in the drive way and Chip grilled cheeseburgers (and sprayed my butt with the spray bottle for the grill! there was a butt print on the sidewalk where i was sitting,Lol).

So I had a really great Sunday! And I've got Chip home everynight this week because he's working days this week ::grins:: I'm gunna cuddle him so much he's going to be begging to go back to nights but next week,lol.

Sweet dreams darlins!

No more talk of darkness, forget these wide eyed fears
I'm here, nothing will harm you
my words willl warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you beside you
to guard you and to guide you

Say you love me, every waking moment
turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you, now and always
promise me that all you say is true

That's all I ask of you...

Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
your safe, no one will find you
your fears are far behind you

All i want is freedom
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me
to hold me and to hide me

Then say you'll share with me
One love, one life time
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you'll need me with you
here, beside you

Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you...

Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

Share each day with me
Each night, Each morning

Say you love me
you know I do

Love me, that's all I ask of you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a little Phantom of the Opera for you.

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Sp0ccQVy1og&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Sp0ccQVy1og&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

i had to add this. This is Sara Brightman, who Andrew Lloyd Webber was just completely captivated by  when he was casting for the remake of phantom that he did in the mid 80's. Here she is singing with Andrea Bocelli, obviously a famous Opera Singer.  I just listen to this with my eyes closed and i can understand...beautifull.

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]

Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.

But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's playing softly in my ears. no really a little too loud. i see his lips move and i can't tell what he's saying. let me pause it for a moment.  "love you honey bear". I smile at him.

...." you're everything i think i need here on the ground....one thing that i still know is that you're keeping me...."

I hum them lightly. i remember that even with them in my ears. even with the music playing. i can still hear the rain. i can still remember the feel of it seeping into my shoes. I can still remember lyng on my bed when i was 14 with my face on the window sill. lying at the foot of my bed. listening to the rain. i remember it.

..."you hold me with out touch. and keep me with out chains.....I never wanted anything so much, that to drown in your love and not feel your rain....set me freee.....leave me be, i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity...."

Here I am. And really I do stand so tall. ...."you loved me cuz I'm fragile, and I thought that I was strong. but you touch me for a  little while, and all my fragile strength is gone,..."

She knows when she's going. Why the hell can't i get this out of my head. really? really, i barely know her. i know her but she's Chips friend. still she's lovely. or she always has been to me. she knows. why can't i get this out of my head? it's selfish. is it selfish I can't stop thinking about it? i can feel him hurting. i can feel her acceptance. still...

"....no matter what i say or do. i still feel you here, till the moment I'm gone..."

"...I love you...I love you too honey"..that's him and I . Not the song. I have friends at work that have asked about chip and I being together. just in general. "how did you two meet?" and i tell them that he knew and worked with my mom. we didn't really know each other. I was seeing a not so great guy. my mom talked of chip ever single chance she got.always marvelous things. attributes he possessed. i didn't notice. not for a while. one day i did. he looked so wonderfull to me that day. he looks so wonderfull to me today. now.

"....something always brings me back to you...."

at work. she complains about wanting love so badly. marriage and a family. but she gives her body, before she even knows her own heart. the issues are ignored and the minor things dwelled upon daily. maybe i'm not better in my speculations. still I dont understand it. physical acknowledgement...but what is it with out some semblance of meaning? a trace of love? it's empty.

"...never takes too long.."

our days are like bits of some long meaningfull conversation that we're constantly going off into other sub topic. like that metaphorical road with winding, deep and steep paths....like something so pre determined really what's the use? and what's so fresh and new my indivituality IS my insignificance, but why can't THAT be beautifull too?

i'm getting tired. but i look to my right and i'm so in love with him i still kind of want to start crying if i think too hard on it.  isn't THAT what matters?

I hope so.

".......no matter what I say or do. I still feel you here, till the moment I'm gone.