a place of becoming

I have a marvelously creative friend at work. We  have very much in common and I'm fairly positive she is a sister of mine seperated at birth.  We were actually married on the same day, although technically she has an hour and a half more experience at the wife thing since her wedding ceremony took place at 5pm and mine at 6:30. She's insanely giggly, but one of the most intelligent and level headed women I've ever met. She's an amazing writer, like put anything I could do to shame. And she's only 22 years old! I've been proof reading and critiquing a story of hers for a few months now. Amazing story line and development, it's only a matter of time before we see her name in print.

Anywhoo today between taking calls and processing claims and solving some of the many mini disasters that constantly arise at our job,we got a little "slap happy" as she puts it and decided to play a little game. Originally we were just being silly and coming up with strange nonsensicle phrases to giggle at. But then they began to get really good and I had this great idea to come up with a childrens book of Tongue Twisters A-Z.

The first page will be the letter A in very large print and on the page opposite the tongue twister to go along with it and a small illustration and so on through the entire alphabet. I'm not going to attempt publication or anything but something put together nicely that I can give to my daughter and neices and nephews. I think it's a cute idea. what do you think?

here are a few examples of the twisters we came up with....

A- Able ambled aimlessly, acting addled and abstractly angry! 

B- Billy blew big bubbles, but bigger boys burst billies bubbles brutishly

C- Cuz cats can claw cruely, catherine came closer cautiously

D- Dudly didn't dance the diddly doo dully, Duddly diddly dooed Dandily

.................But I was thinking I would put Aiva as the A, Nick for the N, Drew for the D and so on. Personalize it a little but so were I to get the idea to someday publish this they could see their names and know I had written it for them. Anywhoodles. What fun! And we work. I promise,lol.

I was flipping through the channels one day and came across an interesting segment on the Discovery channel. This was in 2000. I was a Junior in High School. The segment had to do with new European technology. The entire hour long show focused on one woman and her daughter. This was a single mother with a 16 year old girl that skipped school constantly and was found with men much older than herself and also forming a bad drug habit. The mother had recently heard of a new microscopic tracking device that was inserted just below the skin. After many instances of the mother being forced to leave work to track down her daughter she consulted her daughters physician and it was decided that every three months when the girl received a birth control shot this tiny device would be inserted into her body.

The woman went on to say what a wonderfull device this was. How she could get online and track her daughters where abouts down to within a hundred feet or so of her location. At the time the technology wasn't developed enough to have this device permanantly implemented ,after 90 days the body broke it down and it was passed through the system.

A month or so ago I was reading an article at work and learned of this new device called the VChip that is being used in America. In high security places such as NASA and Army/Naval bases. It is a small computer chip no bigger than a grain of rice that is inserted just below the skin in the fore arm of the men who work at these places.

A week ago my friend Christa bought a new puppy. She tells me that "After work I've got to take the puppy to get his first shot and OH! this amazing new thing where they put a little device into the dogs hind leg and if he's ever lost or runs away from home we can find him, isn't that great?!".

Today I was reading an article at work. This VChip is sweeping the nation. Puppies? With your approval. Men in high security establishments?  With their consent. But this isn't what the article was talking about. It was about new borns. Instering this "marvelous device" into our new born children so that we don't have to worry about our children being kidnapped any longer. It was about us. Humans. Americans. Being tagged. And not just tagged but relying on this tiny peice of technology for nearly every necessity and luxery we have today. A cash less society. No more bills. No more credit cards. No more checks. No more freedom?

I'm sorry if this makes me sound insanely hippy. But it's not a matter of view point any longer. It's a matter of freedom! First we are not allowed to pray in school, but KKK members are allowed to ralley in Washington DC. We're removing the phrase "In God we Trust"and "One nation under God" from our currency and replacing it with socially acceptable....voids! 

How can this be ok? How can we accept it? Instead of tagging our children lets care about our children! Let's be aware of the tv they watch and the people they associate themselves with. Let's pray before we go to bed and talk to our children about their worries and fears, let's walk our children to the bus stop. How often have I seen a 5 or 6 year old riding their bike to school, alone!

From a religious view point how can we see this as anything but a prelude to the end of days? A one world order. Complete harmony. Eutopia. But we all know this is not possible.

But there won't be any rages. There's won't be any stand offs. What really will we do as citizens when the years go by and it is no longer a choice but a must. I cannot purchase food or medicine for my child with out this chip in my arm. I cannot pay for gas or electricity or running water with out this chip in my arm. There is no other means. So I take it. And I ignore the fact that I am now simply a number. I ignore the fact that inside my christian upbringing is insisting this is wrong. I ignore it all. Because what else is there to do?

Maybe this is maniacle raging. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But I'm sorry. I can't swallow the idea of having a computer chip placed in my body. Everything I know and beleive in tells me this is wrong. And perhaps even though the expected time of introduction into society is set as early as May of 2008! Perhaps I won't. Perhaps I won't see it in my lifetime. But what about my children?What about my grandchildren?

What do you think?  What about you?  What will you do?

I'm fairly certain were I to have a bigger reading audience I would step on a few toes with this evenings blog, however it is a place of honesty and truth and I owe my few readers atleast that much.

So this afternoon I had to take a few hours off of work to travel the 25 minutes it takes to get down town for an appointment to determine wether I am still eligible to receive financial assistance for the cost of my childcare. I arrive 25 minutes early to my appointment and procede to wait an hour and a half just to be seen. This alone is enough to put me in a grumpy mood. While waiting in the cramped and dirty waiting room a woman walks in. She is perhaps 2-3 years older than myself, still making her under 30 years old. She walks in still in her pajamas with rollers in her hair. She's talking on her cell phone and loud enough I'm sure for people in the next room to decipher every word of her conversation.

She proceeds to complain to the woman on the phone that she has to pay 100$ a month for rent and how out rageous this is. She complains that 3 of the fathers of her 4 children do not even have the decency to pay child support. She also rants at great length on how she's now going to have to get a job but refuses to work more than 20 hours a week or she will lose her benefits.

I'm judegemental in this situation. It's wrong maybe, I admit it, but this only increases my bad mood and I'd like nothing more than to take the cell phone she's on and throw it from the fifth story window and let her know just how lazy and ungratefull she is and how she's taking advantage of the system and blah blah blah. 

Finally I'm called back to my appointment. This is the third reschedule they've had to do this month. I've wasted nearly ten hours of PTO to be here today in hopes that they will tell me my recent change in marital status will not affect my child care expense. I'm disapointed. After literally less than five minutes of consultation it's found that apparently we make too much money to still receive a discount on child care. This is fine. I admit I'm let down and a little upset, especially since I am now 45 minutes late getting back to work. However I make my phone calls, talk to my husband and my supervisor and all is well and heading back to work.

On my drive back I keep thinking about the woman in the waiting room. And I keep going over her conversation in my head "Well, what I get in financial assistance more than pays for food and gas and 75$ I have to pay for rent, but if I work more than 20 hours I'm not gunna have any spending money". And I think about my gross income compared to the paycheck I actually receive. And I find it cruelly humourous that the more I work and try to better my situation the more money comes from my pocket to support people like this. People with absolutely no goals or ambitions, with not even enough drive to get up and work a 40 hour work week.

And it drives me absolutely insane when single mothers use the fact that they are a single mother to not better their situation. People make mistakes, it's understandable. But mistake after mistake after mistake is so un called for. At some point you have to want something better for your child/children, something better for yourself. I may be lacking in self esteem at times, but how can you lack in self worth? How can you not want something more from life?

It's pointless to go on about this. And I realize that there is absolutely nothing to do about it, atleast from my standpoint. But there it is.

So I was thinking today about things that people are born to do.  Stevie Wonder and Alisha Keys. They were born to play the piano, they were born to sing. Or Jimmi Hendrix and John Mayer, they were born to play the guitar and touch millions with their lyrics.

I've always thought writing was my thing. Not because I was particularly good at it but because it just is. It makes sense to me.   Is it something I'm amazing at? Do my words really touch peoples hearts? Was this God's gift to me? I don't know.

I read my words now and they don't seem to bring me as much joy as they used to.   They don't flow out of me with alarming clarity as they once did.  What if I'm really not meant to do this?   What if this wasn't my calling? And that makes me question, then what is? 

I want to be a writer.  I want to touch someones heart with my words.  I want to write the kind of novel that has absolutely no structure, because my mind certainly doesn't.  I want Wuthering Heights and The Bell Jar and The Incredible Lightness of Being and Hanging in the Tournefotia to be my muses, to be my rivals.  Not in genius but in emotion.   I can be so strong and so week at the same time.  I can be so sure of myself, and question my purpose all within the same second.

I have always been this way. Somehow I don't think this is going to ever change. No matter my circumstances and surroundings. And for some reason I just can't embrace it. I can't embrace this absolute chaos within myself that has always been with in myself.  And If I cannot change it how do I let it define who I am, but in a beautifull way?

I have always, always worried how others perceive me. Nothings changed. Even as I write these words I worry who will read them and who will make what of them instead of just letting it be! Will I ever be okay with that? Will I eventually give up my questioning/out reaching nature and just settle for moments of enlightenment? Will the occasional click in my brain be enough to sustane me for the rest of my life?

I don't think so. Actually I know so.  This is me. I cannot change it. I will not change it. All I can hope is the ones who love me can understand this is who I am. I will forever come back to the point of my fathers death.  It will forever be the turning point in my life.  And I will always write about it. I will always cram together peices of emotion and prose and nonsense and  call it poetry. I will always leave notes saying "I love you" to my husband and my daughter because for me it brings a bit of comfort. I will always strive to give a thousand percent to be atleast a good wife and a good mother because questioning my ability to perform those two tasks with out atleast my whole heart would break me in a way I cannot begin to imagine. I will always question life and my purpose in it and embelish on things that really have nothing to do with the here and now.

This is rambling. I can't seem to quit it. So I leave you with an old blurb. I wrote once about the perfect second.  It was shortly after Chip and I moved in together. 

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Come with me and let's go wander
far beyond the wild blue yonder
out where the stars roam free

Though the journeys far from breezy
stick with me, I'll make it easy
you can depend on me

There's a long road before us
and it's a hard road indeed
but darlin I swear
I'll get us there
where ever the trail may lead

Once we cross that far horizon
life is bound to be surprisin
we'll take it day by day

Never mind the wind and weather
if we walk this trail together
somehow we'll find our way

There's a long road before us
and it's a hard road indeed
but darlin I swear
I'll get us there
where ever the trail may lead

And through the whole ride
I'll be by your side
wherever the trail may lead

~ Tim McGraw

                             ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


When you are standing here with me
I can see everything in you
you are the light that feeds the soul
you are everything in life
in your life, I will earn my wings to fly
in your heart, I will make my home
day or night, I will come to you
here's to our love

You are the half that makes me whole
baby, you are the aire I breathe
you are everything in me
in your love, I will bring my dreams to life
from your heart I will never roam
until now my weakness is what I've known
but with your life I am strong
I am stronger

~Kem
                  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm not too creative tonight.   And surprisingly I'm not feeling poetic.   So I leave you with just a few
lyrics.  Many smiles and many blessings.  Happy Thanksgiving.

The light is dim. But it is warm. A soft glow to the room. The clock reads 9:33.  Chip will be home soon. And Aiva is sleeping peacefully once again.

Aiva. My beautifull little three year old. Through out my pregnancy I refered to her as my faceless Angel. An innocent Angel whose very existence terrified me.

In January of 2003 I was living in upstate New York. In an upstairs apartment with my mother. We moved into it after my sisters moved out of state and my brother went away to College. I was working at Elmira College in the student cafe/art gallery.  I spent my days with my best friend Alison and her little girl Janessa. And at night I worked making sandwiches, or cleaning the art gallery, or serving drinks to College students. I loved my job. I was happy. My mother decided after visiting my Aunt in Louisville several times that she needed a change of scenery. Plans were set for her to move here begining of March. I decided I was going to get an apartment with a close friend I grew up with.

The day before my mom was to move I decided I wanted to come to. I needed a change of scenery myself. The last few months had been hectic and I didn't know where I was going. And with no family other than my Grandma and brother still in upstate New York I loaded my few belongings into the bag of the U-haul and said some very hard goodbyes.

My second eldest sister Natalie , whom I was very close with, was then living in Florida working as a waitress and at a day care part/time. She was sad and lonely and missing family. Within the first week of arriving in Louisville we made plans for her to drive up in August, get my stuff out of storage and together head to Maryland. We had mutual friends going to college there and figured it was just in the middle of New York and Kentucky should we ever get lonely for family. We started looking into Colleges and had plans set.

Between that time I started working and saving money and met someone and began to have feelings for him. Still I knew it was only a matter of a time before my sister arrived and we would be moving. I didn't take the relationship too seriously and continued with my plans. In August I drove to South Carolina and met my sister and drove her the rest of the way to Kentucky. For a week or two we set our plans into concrete and realized we simply didn't have the money to move just yet. So we rented a small two bedroom apartment in the Highlands and my sister took a waitressing job. We began pinching pennies to save up.

We spent our weekends walking the main road of the little artsy "village".  Walking through the parks and talking about our child hood. Decorating our little apartment with pottery and old album covers. It was nice. My job was going well and I was happy at home. But, my relationship was falling apart. Slamming doors and hatefull words were becoming the typical. After months of break ups and reconciliations I decided it was time to call it quits. It was then I found out I was pregnant. I was 21 and unmarried and all my lifes preaching of "never an excuse for unexpected pregnancy!" came rushing back. Hypocrisy is a hard pill to swallow.  I was terrified of being a mother but I was more afraid of giving my child a life I was never subjected to. One of hurtfull words and even more hurtfull actions. But for the sake of  the bab we thought we'd give it one more shot. Three months into my prengnancy I told my mother and sister that I was pregnant and moved back in with my mother, afraid I would be too much of a burden on my sister.

I kept my job and worked 50-60 hours a week banking every penny to save up for an apartment after the baby was born. After a particularlly bad fight I parted ways with my childs father. Knowing raising a child alone would be hard, but raising a child in an unstable environment would be even worse. I was nearly four months pregnant and other than the constant morning sickness and mood swings didn't associate myself completely with the life forming inside of me until one saturday morning.

It was early, I couldn't sleep. Too many nightmares. I wrapped myself in a blanket and went to sit in the front yard and watch the sun come up. I was adding numbers in my head to figure out if it was possible to move out and buy a car and still afford to take a few weeks off from work after the baby was born. I was sitting there missing home, missing my friends, feeling very sorry for myself when I felt a strong flutter in my stomach. I laid back in the grass and pressed my hands into the lower part of my stomach trying to feel it again. And there it was again. And I smiled. Giggled actually. And I fell in love a little.

Over the next few months I continually lost weight. Morning sickness hit me hard and I decided to hunt down and cause physicall harm to the person who invented the phrase "morning sickness" because it wasn't, it was morning,afternoon,night and early morning sickness. When I wasn't praying to keep my breakfast down I was praying for something much more important. The sex of my child. I wanted a little girl so bad.  And I wasn't just praying for her to be a her but I had specific requests. I wanted a little girl with dark eyes and dark hair and I wanted her to be the happiest baby in the whole world.

skip a few months ahead to October 26th at 6;23 pm. My Aiva was born. Aiva Keori-Anya. My little Angel baby. And she was tiny. And she was beautiful and perfect and she had dark eyes and dark hair and little rose bud lips and I swear even to this day she smiled as soon as they placed her in my arms.

My little girl. Our little girl is three years old now. She doesn't say shut up or call people names because they are "very very bad words!". Instead she'll call you a pizza butt or a pepporoni butt and giggle insanely. She laughs more than she smiles and she smiles more than she cries and I can't spank her for the life of me! I ask her "who's your best friend?" and she replies "mommy!", I ask her "for how long" and she says "forever and ever". She's the happiest little girl I've ever known and I miss her the moment I kiss her good bye at the front door of her day care. I can't wait to see her smiling and running towards me after work.  And the last words before she falls asleep are always "I love you momma".

 I live in Kentucky now. I'm married and I have a child. I didn't expect this. But I'll never question my blessings. I'm happy.

It's been nearly a year since I've had a place to call my own. Since I've had pages to grace with my thoughts and imaginings. I suppose it's expected of  me to make this a blogging of my daily activities. But I think I rather prefer a place of no structure.

It is a little after ten thirty at night. Aiva is sleeping to the sounds of Doctor Seus. And my husband is sitting on the couch beside me. My husband. How strange to say the words. We've been married for nearly two months and still it's so fresh to say the words. I find myself saying them often. My Husband. It's a novel thing. It's  a beautifull thing. I never honestly imagined I would be married.

My Father passed away when I was 15 years old. He was diagnosed with Diabetes at a very early age and insuline dependent from the very start. As expected this played a major role on the atmosphere of my home(he was survived by a wife,three daughters and a son) on the way I viewed the world and especially on the way I viewed relationships. Watching my mother battle heavy depression for 3 years I decided I never wanted to be married. I never wanted to say good bye to someone who was my everyone.

There are many steps between my father dying at 15 and meeting Chip at 22. Graduating High School, moving to a new state,  having a child...many steps along the way. But many of them faded when I first met my husband. 4 times in my life when I felt I should have been terrified and a strange calm came over me. The night I watched my fathers heart monitor go flat. My mother cried, my grandmother screamed, the nurses sniffled.  I stood there numb. Calm. The days labor pains began. The months of sheer terror. The tears, the scribbled poems. Watching my daughters eyes open and blink for the first time. Calm. The day I  fell in love with Chip. 3 weeks into this I sit on the patio with my mother. "I think I really really love him. Like Dad's saying it's ok, this is the one. I really think I could spend the rest of my life with him. Where is the scared feeling?"Calm. And the day I walked down those little flat stones shaped into a path. The day I stepped up beneath the canopy of yellow flowers and held his hands. I just recited this. I couldn't keep the tears back. Now I stand here and look up at him and I want to giggle and hop up and down. Calm. No . Elation... Surreal.

I cannot imagine not waking up and feeling him next to me.  The warmth and his indentation in the center of the bed. I cannot imagine not kissing him good bye before I walk out the door in the morning and begin the mundane. It's always ok. It's always all right. Because I know he'll be coming back in the door to me before the night is through. I know he'll be there to tickle my daughter, and smile with my daughter, and be angry at my daughter and cry with my daughter. I know he'll be there to watch her grow and to watch me grow and to watch us grow. I cannot imagine not waking up next to him 50 years from now when it's hard to wake up in the morning.

I cannot still fear losing someone I cannot imagine my life with out. He is my everything. Completely the one person who can comfort my heart in a way I never thought possible. I sound like a Hallmark card. It's ridiculous. But it's beautifull.Still. Just to say it.  My Husband.