a place of becoming

So this afternoon I had to take a few hours off of work to travel the 25 minutes it takes to get down town for an appointment to determine wether I am still eligible to receive financial assistance for the cost of my childcare. I arrive 25 minutes early to my appointment and procede to wait an hour and a half just to be seen. This alone is enough to put me in a grumpy mood. While waiting in the cramped and dirty waiting room a woman walks in. She is perhaps 2-3 years older than myself, still making her under 30 years old. She walks in still in her pajamas with rollers in her hair. She’s talking on her cell phone and loud enough I’m sure for people in the next room to decipher every word of her conversation.

She proceeds to complain to the woman on the phone that she has to pay 100$ a month for rent and how out rageous this is. She complains that 3 of the fathers of her 4 children do not even have the decency to pay child support. She also rants at great length on how she’s now going to have to get a job but refuses to work more than 20 hours a week or she will lose her benefits.

I’m judegemental in this situation. It’s wrong maybe, I admit it, but this only increases my bad mood and I’d like nothing more than to take the cell phone she’s on and throw it from the fifth story window and let her know just how lazy and ungratefull she is and how she’s taking advantage of the system and blah blah blah. 

Finally I’m called back to my appointment. This is the third reschedule they’ve had to do this month. I’ve wasted nearly ten hours of PTO to be here today in hopes that they will tell me my recent change in marital status will not affect my child care expense. I’m disapointed. After literally less than five minutes of consultation it’s found that apparently we make too much money to still receive a discount on child care. This is fine. I admit I’m let down and a little upset, especially since I am now 45 minutes late getting back to work. However I make my phone calls, talk to my husband and my supervisor and all is well and heading back to work.

On my drive back I keep thinking about the woman in the waiting room. And I keep going over her conversation in my head “Well, what I get in financial assistance more than pays for food and gas and 75$ I have to pay for rent, but if I work more than 20 hours I’m not gunna have any spending money”. And I think about my gross income compared to the paycheck I actually receive. And I find it cruelly humourous that the more I work and try to better my situation the more money comes from my pocket to support people like this. People with absolutely no goals or ambitions, with not even enough drive to get up and work a 40 hour work week.

And it drives me absolutely insane when single mothers use the fact that they are a single mother to not better their situation. People make mistakes, it’s understandable. But mistake after mistake after mistake is so un called for. At some point you have to want something better for your child/children, something better for yourself. I may be lacking in self esteem at times, but how can you lack in self worth? How can you not want something more from life?

It’s pointless to go on about this. And I realize that there is absolutely nothing to do about it, atleast from my standpoint. But there it is.