a place of becoming

Crinkle. Sigh and stop. I am flowing with a movement much keener than my blood and aching for the smell of the sunlight. Crisp and green and just below my fingertips. But it’s nothing and it’s ignored.

Just words. All of them and still they keep me thrumming. Flying softly through my viens. A bird flying. Flying.

Each thought is a decision. Omitions! and digging deeply to the grave and all of our past  transgressions.  spilled.

Fill me like a liquor. Burning greatly and slightly off kilter. Leave me beleiving in the stars and love and transitions. newer things.

I live here. Whimsy words and words you whisper.You are a  sacred drug belonging. To nothing. Here’s to nothing and to the night.

~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

Today I watched Grandmothers with their children and grandchildren. Full of smiles and warm words. Mothers with their children. And yes I’m emphasizing the women. (Although you men are great dads!!). But how beautifull is that? To watch a child run up to her Grandma and kiss and hug them and just the love that emits from the scene. It’s very humbling. And I can’t thank my lucky stars, the heavens, God anymore than I have today.

I love you all very much. Those loved since the moment of conception. And those I’ve come to know and bring into my heart gladly. I love you all very much.

I miss Christmas growing up. But being there, with them, made me feel that again. Frighteningly beautifull.

We’re all imposters though aren’t we? Every fake smile we pin on sunday mornings and every day of the week when we enter the office? Whispering that nothings wrong, when it’s obvious that something is. We love our children don’t we? But sometimes mommy needs to take a breath too. Sit back and reflect on life and daily happenings.

The world really is a beautifull place. Just when I start to seriously question something restores my faith. Any little thing really.

We dance and sing and flip upside down for the paycheck. We push and endure and grimace for the bills.
But what about the other things. Are we even noticing them? The real smiles. The held doors. The fixed sinks and cooked dinners. The ability to express emotions. The light. Lets start noticing.

Merry Christmas my dear ones loved and loving.

I listen to the music but the words mean nothing anymore. They might as well be in a different languge. But I still love sitting out side when it’s dark and very cold outside. I fall for easy jokes. And I laugh wholey when I do.

What am I but a woman. And it wasn’t chosen. So how can I defend it’s honor. Or even my race. Did I choose it? So am I defined by the person I’ve become or let myself become? What am I then? And what do I have the right to defend?

Do you love? Do you wake up every morning thankfull for the morning whatever blessings or tragedies it holds. But it should always hold atleast one. Do you love? Do you know what passion is? Or is it something remembered? And was it worth the memories?

What is living and beleiving? Is it religion and faith? Is it family and security? Is it freedom of movement and feeling? What is life?

Do you live? Really live? Every single day? Or do you get caught up in the routine and forget the color of the sun?  Is the lawn just something you cut and grudgingly? Or is it full of living and living things?  Is “I love you” only something you say at the closing of  a conversation.

I meet people every day. That is I meet the people I’ve met over and over again every day. I learn new things. Sometimes it’s uplifting. Sometimes it’s a bit crushing. Sometimes it’s endearing. Other times it’s heart breaking.

How can I come in contact with these people everyday and in a moment my perception of them has changed again. So quickly. I think I expect too much from others and maybe not enough from myself.

(names have been changed for privacy reasons)

Eric has been sad lately. He and his girlfriend of nearly 7 years recently broke up. He was going to ask her to marry him this weekend. “I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know where I’m going now. What am I going to do?” And what do I tell him? How on earth do I have the answers? I’m just a silly 24 year old  woman who’s way of thinking hasn’t changed much since the 10th grade. So I mumble something artificially sweet. And it’s horrible of me.

Mi mi. Dear Mimi who’s held on to innocence and beauty till the age of 22.  She’s definately one in a million simply due to that fact. And she is one of my sister soul mates, we share the same wedding day. Her husbands grandmother died a few days after the wedding, today his other grandmother passed away. And dear mimi cry’s silently at her desk. Not because she was very close to this woman, or had even met her, but she knew miles away her husband was crying silently at his desk and his mother and father cried silently by her bedside. And her spirit simply didn’t know how to handle their hurting. “I’m not worried for me but for my husband and now my family. I hurt when he cries. I don’t see him cry often. It breaks my heart” and I can feel the incredible love she feels for this man. Her Knight. Her Husband. And I want to take just a small piece of that and give it to every married couple I’ve ever known. Maybe then there wouldn’t be so many straying husband and wives. Searching for something just within reach and un remembered.

And then there is Karla. Karla with her harsh ways and tough love and soft heart. She gives constantly. Cards and notes. Little gifts. Bags of clothes. Dinner for the office. She comes from a large city back ground, a divorced family. She is hardened. But she’s shaking inside. She preaches of her love for God and her husband and her family. She loves the lord. And she is a good woman. But she’s shaking inside. “I want to get together soon….you’re always so busy! I adore you…I just want you to know that. I think you’re very special.” She writes this to another man in the office. She has proclaimed herself my mentor. Her lil sister. And I’m scared again. Is this what life and love and commitment stand for? And how many others in the office do I know for a fact are doing the same as she is. And my heart crumbles a little. And I lose a little more faith.

These are my days at work.  Mixed with a dash of chaos and angry federal government employees. I cherish the friendships I’ve made.  These are some truly beautifull people. But it’s a bomb for the emotions. And it’s strange.

I’m excited for Christmas but at the same time I can’t wait for it to get here and be over with already. There’s always so much build up for this one day a year and then it’s over and you’re back to the everyday routine.

I’m wondering how much everyone is going to hate me come the New Year with quitting smoking and sticking to my diet. Maybe I’ve put too much on my plate, but I refuse to scrape any of it off. It’s time to get this weight off and it’s time to stop smoking so. Wish me luck and push push if you can,lol.

I have nothing to say tonight. I’ve written more poetry and added a little bit more to my story but I’m just not in the writing mood. Will post something lyrical and beautifull tomorrow night,promise.