life is life is life
There are certain aspects of my life that I’ve finally accepted cannot be changed. Either through strength of self or the reactions of those loved and close to me. You cannot affect the decisions( as bad or hurtfull as they may be) that others make. It’s life. Atleast to an extent. Maybe I’ve accepted too easily. But they cannot be changed.
It’s amazing, the power of thought, isn’t it? I’m happy and with a thought I can feel at the lowest point in my life. Or, as in today, I can feel as if nothing can make me smile. Nothing could tare these thoughts away, this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. At about 3:30 this afternoon I decided I was done with it. I was tired of listening to the participants calling in and asking “honey are you ok?” because they can hear the tears in my voice. It’s enough. As I’ve said before, I’m not that lost little 14 year old girl anymore.
I can’t worry that I don’t make Chip happy. I’m the best wife that I know how to be. I can’t improve( I guess that’s not true) but I can’t possibly try any harder than I do. All I can do is love him and hope that he loves me enough to together make a difference in this world of horrible statistics. The decisions we make in our future concerning ourselves, how we conduct our lives, how we raise our children will be reflected in the faces of those around us. I can only hope they reflect something good.
I can’t worry about work or the holidays or missing my dad and friends back home. I’ve got to stop this. I’ve got to have confidence that I am the wife and mother I know that I am. I’ve got to be the Woman that I know I can be.
In the New Year I’m going to…
1. Work on my story idea and get it published
2. quit, quit, quit smoking.
3. stop putting off dishes and laundry and house work till it’s overwhelming
4. stick to the diet I’ve started and be a much slimmer, more confident me by next Christmas
5. go to church more than once a year
6. make time for myself outside of work and home, wether it’s volunteer work or card night with co workers
7. set a date night for chip and I and stick to it. wether it’s once a week or once a month
8. accomplish atleast 2 of these,lol….just kidding. all of them! I will conquer! I will succeed!
And all of you my darling and much loved readers, if you have to annoy me to accomplish these things please do. Ask constantly how my diets going, how the books coming. Annoy me to the point that I’m ducking from my phone when I see your number,lol.
Good night and sweet dreams dear ones.
