bitter complex thoughts
Throught the curtains I can see the glow of the lights out side. Red, green, blue, yellow, pink, orange. They line the windows. The roof. They look like splotches of candy stains against the curtains. How un imaginative a phrase.
The cold air seeps beneath the window sill. My toes are cold. My bones are cold. The blanket doesn’t help.
No sad thoughts today. No hidden meanings, no deep enlightenment. Just sitting here. On the couch. The television on. The Christmas lights glowing. Trying to think of something clever to write. But nothing. Regretably I’m blank. Forgive me.
I leave you with a poem written a few days ago.
The House
the grass is sparce and un even
brown in patches. withered.
as i step up to the porch
and i stand still
contemplating the chipped paint
just below the door bell
hating the smell of the dryer sheets
the steam rises in puffs from the basement window
so warm and sweet
my stomach resists
i hate this place
i hate every content of this house
and i think i might even hate you in it
you do not even sense me!
i can hear the giggles inside
the softly padding feet
the clink of pots and pans
the gentle closing of cupboards
and i stand still
waiting for the familiar explosions you emit
waiting
for nothing
i want to tare at the windows
and scream till my lungs can’t stand it
beat the walls till my palms are bloody
watching you watch me
terrified
exhaulted
but I don’t
i turn around slowly
and walk back down the crumbled stone path
dodging toys and rakes and buckets
letting the christmas picture poses fall from my fingers
flutter to the ground
and i hear it in my mind as i start the engine
as it rumbles to life and creaks
and screeches off down the street towards no where!
“If you don’t want to get married and have a family,
if you don’t want to stay with me…
then I want nothing to do with you OR the baby”
and I hate you a little for the callous words
but mostly i hate myself
for the inevitable future questions in my daughters eyes
Sometimes it’s nice to just sit, and be. No heavy thoughts, no responsibilities, just…lights. Enjoy it while it lasts.
I liked the simile of the candy splotches on the curtains. It IS nice to just sit and be, once in a while. All too often we don’t get the chance to veg out and feel so peaceful.
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