Thursday, December 13, 2007

a night of poetry and emotion

So I lied. There is one more to add to my list of resolutions. I want to publish a book of poetry. So So very much. This is maybe the biggest creative desire that I have.  All I ask as you read a few of these is not to apply these to me too personally or too much into present day. There are bits of these that pertain to my current emotions. Mostly it is a combination of memories or actions flowing around me. Enjoy.

~*harder known*~

You speak to me of times of pure clarity
the defining moment of love
the first entries into your poetic memory
but you do not know the truths behind your comments
and you do not know me
at all

He preaches of his love for his wife
the smiles of his children
and the laughter of sunday mornings
but beneath the promises
lie secrets hard and bitter
whispered words in solitude
scribbled frenzied emotion
he does not know of truth or honest passion
and he does not know me
at all

She leeks constantly her many tragedies

eyes serene and distant places
layers of pain and sorrow
scars of her past, crowding in agonizing lines
and loves too cruel to let go
she does not know of life or magnificent inspirations
and she does not know me
at all

I speak to them of honesty

pure emotions, let go and just become!
the past is hard and bitter
pushing into the present with promises of passion!!
but promises are hard felt
ending in tragedy and loss

I speak to you of faith

in your commitments hard won
you give in too easily
and you give up ……so much

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~* in your words *~
i hear it in your words
in every hushed phrase
reaching to my places
hard kept and harder known
you cannot chip at my resevoirs with your words
they’re painfully painted in pretty nuances
and cruely clothed in comfort

should i feel a special stirring?

but it’s nothing and it’s mine
and you know it, yet you try
to be for me
something un desired

fake and nonsense, light and playfull

but it cuts like a killing
and it’s hurting!  it is hurting!!
and it’s now!

you wear your cloak of friendship

so sincere, yet so deceiving
and it’s black and it blends so well
with the shadowed secrets you’ve been keeping

hating smiles

because you don’t mean them
you push and you desire
yet you desire
something so undeserving!
how can you desire?
there is nothing more…

confusion, confusion

conversations within myself
who am I to never really know you
who am I to you at all?

my eyes are green and gusty

forcing winds of words you whisper!
but you do not know me!
if I’m a tragedy
if i am a begining

i cannot be your end

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*who are you*

who are you to hold me

in your spirit and so many other places
whispering eloquence and poetry with out words
with gusts of breath
it speaks to me
who are you?

who are you to so cement me

to futures and loves and promised perfections?
what deed do you hold?
what price to pay?
who are you?

who are you to so diminish me

into loss and pain and shattered tranquility
with out a second thought
with out force or intention
who are you?

 

who are you to so inspire
these moments of pure insanity
deep crushing occurences
that cannot be lifted
who are you?

who are you to so…. have me!

that I do not even know me
that i cannot even reach me
with out you
who are you?

who are you to choose me

or was i chosen for you?
and can you feel it in your marrow
can you feel it to the vertigo
can it really make you fall?
and do you beleive it?
who are you ? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* The Receiver*

I’ve got a great way of dealing with this

tare at my arms and poetry!
scream till i can’t bare it any longer
beat at my chest
yes…. i’ve resorted

i speak to you like a 24 hour hot line

“hello?….I miss you”
but you don’t my name
and you don’t know my many faces

one….two….three

and ini mini miny mo
running my finger down the list of names
in the white pages
some one will pick up
some one will listen
even for a few minutes

click

“yes….hello…no, no you don’t know me
I’m sorry, I just need to talk to someone
i don’t know where else to go”
and he murmers
maybe he was sleeping
maybe he’s old and lonely and dozing and doesn’t mind
maybe he’s young and he giggles silently
it doesn’t matter
anyone will do

“I was thinking today about when I was younger.

we used to sit by the pond and watch the reflections from the moon.
i had my first kiss by that pond when I was fifteen.
my first cigarette too”
the phone disconnects
but thats ok as well
eventually the noise does stop
and there is blessed silence

i continue my confessions

“so…i’m wondering why I’m here.

I mean really really here.
you probably can’t tell me.
it probably doesn’t matter anyway”
and it echoes in my ear
the receiver adores my tones

so many midnight confessions

and who listens?
who ever really listens?
besides the bottle
the satisfying smoke
who knows

So that is it. Leave me a comment. A suggestion. Hate mail. Whatever. I’d like some honest, unbiased feed back.

Posted by Shira at 04:16:31 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

life is life is life

There are certain aspects of my life that I’ve finally accepted cannot be changed.  Either through strength of self or the reactions of those loved and close to me. You cannot affect the decisions( as bad or hurtfull as they may be) that others make. It’s life. Atleast to an extent. Maybe I’ve accepted too easily. But they cannot be changed.

It’s amazing, the power of thought, isn’t it? I’m happy and with a thought I can feel at the lowest point in my life. Or, as in today, I can feel as if nothing can make me smile. Nothing could tare these thoughts away, this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. At about 3:30 this afternoon I decided I was done with it. I was tired of listening to the participants calling in and asking “honey are you ok?” because they can hear the tears in my voice. It’s enough. As I’ve said before, I’m not that lost little 14 year old girl anymore.

I can’t worry that I don’t make Chip happy.  I’m the best wife that I know how to be.  I can’t improve( I guess that’s not true) but I can’t possibly try any harder than I do.  All I can do is love him and hope that he loves me enough to together make a difference in this world of horrible statistics. The decisions we make in our future concerning ourselves, how we conduct our lives, how we raise our children will be reflected in the faces of those around us.  I can only hope they reflect something good.

I can’t worry about work or the holidays or missing my dad and friends back home. I’ve got to stop this. I’ve got to have confidence  that I am the wife and mother I know that I am.  I’ve got to be the Woman that I know I can be.

In the New Year I’m going to…
1.  Work on my story idea and get it published
2.  quit, quit, quit smoking.
3.  stop putting off dishes and laundry and house work till it’s overwhelming
4.  stick to the diet I’ve started and be a much slimmer, more confident me by next Christmas
5. go to church more than once a year
6. make time for myself  outside of work and home, wether it’s volunteer work or card night with co workers
7. set a date night for chip and I and stick to it. wether it’s once a week or once a month
8. accomplish atleast  2 of these,lol….just kidding. all of them!  I will conquer! I will succeed!

And all of you my darling and much loved readers, if you have to annoy me to accomplish these things please do. Ask constantly how my diets going, how the books coming.  Annoy me to the point that I’m ducking from my phone when I see your number,lol.

Good night and sweet dreams dear ones.

Posted by Shira at 03:59:37 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

good news

My sister is doing better than expected. She went to the doctors and it’s not kidney cancer. She has a faulty bladder pretty much, and is going to have to undergo surgery soon. Also the inner and outer lining of her kidneys is infected, so possible surgery there  in the future as well.

I’m feeling better. I had Chip pick me up from work today and we went to the hospital. I wasn’t feeling so well at work. UTI. So I’m on antibiotics.

That’s my blog for the night. Sorry so short. I haven’t been feeling so poetic lately.

Posted by Shira at 02:59:04 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

my sister

So I spent the good part of the weekend bent over the toilet throwing up. No I have no idea why. And typical question. No, no unexpected gifts will be popping up in 9 months.

It’s Wednesday night. I’ve lived off of crackers and seven up since saturday. I ate an apple at lunch today and got excited because I didn’t  immediately have to dash to the bathroom. I was stupid when I got home though and tried to eat a sandwich, I’m paying for it now.

Anyway, my sister received some bad medical news the other day.  I won’t get into it because she won’t know for certain until her appointment tomorrow.  But it doesn’t look good. At all.  I’m not letting it stress me out. And I’ll contridict myself with this next statement, but I’m scared to death. My sister is my best friend and my “sister soul mate” as she says. She was my big sister and my idol all growing up. She is absolutely beautifull and she’s so funny. Shes got the dumbest sense of humor ever and I love her for it. I remember her reading to me at night. I remember her rubbing my back when I was sick or hugging me tightly when I was sad.  We shared a room for 7 years. She answered all of my growing up questions and was the one to tell me “don’t kiss a guy until you’re atleast 21, beleive me it’s a total waste of time”.  She packed up and moved 4 states away just to get an apartment with her little sister because she called her one day and said “sissy I need you”.  She’s  so loving and  so giving.   And she’s just a beautifull girl all around.

I can’t stomach her hurting. And I know my emotions are high now on account of yucky tummy feelings and overtime at work.  And because of the typical holiday blues and missing my dad and brother.

That’s enough now.

Please pray for my sister.

Posted by Shira at 04:12:59 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Saturday, December 1, 2007

fun lil quiz

So I do plan on blogging tonight, was just catching a moment to write while Aiva napped. Blogging and drinking Egg Nog. The world is lovely. lol.

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments.. what is it?

Produce: Green Apple
Bakery: croissants
Meat: skinless chicken breast
Frozen Foods: black raspberry ice cream
Dry Goods: banana chips

Let’s say we’re heading out for a weekend getaway. You’re only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you. So, what’s in your bag?

  1. red hoody 
  2. black pants
  3. sandles ( i never said i had good fashion sense!!)

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 5 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?

  1. Right!
  2. I love you ki ki’s
  3. I love you too honey
  4. “No sir/ma’am we do not give away free money”
  5. “No sire/ma’am we are not trying to steal your money” (and yes I do use these both quite often, I deal with employees of the federal government, based in washington and maryland mostly)

So, what 3 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn’t get to do, you probably wouldn’t be in the best mood?

  1. cuddle chip
  2. kiss aiva
  3. laughing

You just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We’re talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?

  1. Reading a book
  2. Writing Poetry
  3. Taking a bath
  4. Watching AMC movies
  5. Making jewelry or playing on MySpace

We’re going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it’ll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?

  1. reptiles
  2. elephants
  3. monkeys

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice. You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?

  1. The office
  2. Saved by the Bell 
  3. Myth Busters
  4. Arrested Development

You’re hungry for ice cream. I’ll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?

 

  • black rasperry
  • mint chocolate chip
  • coffee

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what’s in there?

  1. Cell Phone
  2. Wallet
  3. Skeleton Keys
  4.  book on lyrics
  5. Over sized safety pins

You are at a job fair, and asked what areas you are interested in pursuing a career in. Let’s pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 career would be fun for you?

  1. Author 
  2. Poet 
  3. Glass blower/artist
  4. Odd Doll Maker

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 4 things, what would you say?

  1. GO TO COLLEGE!
  2. Let go of the past 
  3. Mom was right
  4. Hug dad more
Posted by Shira at 22:04:05 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

a thing called hope

“I wish that I could claim these words as my own, but they’ve come from someone that understands this world far better than I could ever imagine.  In a time of disposable love and faith based upon circumstance, a time where we’d rather watch someone else’s life broadcast on our television than take part in our own triumphs and tragedies, a time where I know that I’m not the only one that has a need that no prescription or product can even begin to fulfill……I’ll never claim to have any of the answers, only the same questions as everyone else.  Take joy in being ignorant with me, for ignorance is bliss.  I was once told that what seperates intelligence and genius is realizing how little you really know and what seperates faith and blindness is a thing called hope.” ~Jamison Covington

So I admit, as you can tell from my last entry, it’s not always fierce concentration and time management at my job. Sometimes we get silly, sometimes we get into lengthy discussions, sometimes we debate. Today was such a day. Around 5 o clock I felt ready to pass out on my keyboard. Still an hour and a half left until quittin time. So I decide to entertain myself a little bit. In my immediate area there are two men and two women ranging in age from 25-40.  There’s a lull in phone calls so I pose a question at large to my group……

“If you were to witness a murder and the murderer offered you a hundred million dollars to stay silent, would you take the money?”

Both women automatically asked “Who was murdered?” as if it mattered wether it was a 5 year old child or a 95 year old man. And both men said yes.  I’m not being sexist at all. Just stating the answers.
My next question wasn’t far off.

“If a man/woman (opposite gender of yourself) offered you 50 million to cheat on your spouse and gauranteed no one would ever find out, would you do it?”

All of them said yes.

This really had me thinking. What happened to all of the basic standards of humanity? Like honesty, truth,love? The sad thing is I’m sure it wasn’t just contained to my small cubicle in my office on a busy road in louisville ky. I’m sure if I posed the question to the world at large, guaranteeing no proof of identity, I’d get pretty much the same response. I’ve got hope for mankind. Really I do.

Anywhootles. I was on my way to work this morning and realized my wallet was missing from my purse. Not only is it a much loved wallet( I’ve had it forever) but it contains debit card/license/social security cards for me and kiki’s/insurance cards /a million receipts and a photo of my dad. I was upset. More than upset I was freaking out a little. I called Chip and had him search the house. I searched the car. No luck. I freaked out continuously for about 5 hours until Chip called and reminded me I had made a last minute run to the store Wednesday night for pullups and maybe I should call the store to make sure I hadn’t left it there. Thankfully that was the case and they held it for me until I got off work. I was ready to scream. Thank goodness for level headed husbands.

Tired now.  Happy weekend and sweet dreams dear ones.

Dinner theatre with momma in law on Sunday! Woo hee!

Posted by Shira at 04:45:01 | Permalink | Comments (1) »