Thursday, April 17, 2008

grasping at darkness

I feel you like a drum beat
your presence like a steady cresendo
the look of you, phrases and movements
intrigue me always
i feel you beneath my blood
what is there to hold back?!
we’ve centuries beneath our blood
sunlight and galaxies
too little inspiration!
and too many things to accomplish!
yet we live life like a suicide
waiting for our moments to end…pushing it along
until we’re lost
grasping at darkness
pleading
i feel your love like the earth beats
each step one more forward towards what can be
moving me like freedom
loving me like starlight

~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

today marks 9 years that my dads been gone. how am i supposed to feel about that? i’ve felt like throwing up all day. the thought of crying keeps entering my head.  i keep pushing it back. how stupid to cry. people say “i know he’s in a better place” but mostly thats a bs phrase we use to makes our selves feel better. i can’t guarantee that he’s in a “better” place. But I can say that knowing the kindo f man/husband/father/son that my dad was. strong, beautifull christian man. i beleive he’s with God.

i can’t help it. the tears keep coming. it’s pissing me off for some reason. he died when i was 15. i’m 24, when in the hell is it going to get any easier?! i miss him so damn much i can’t stand it. i want him to know chip. i want him to kiss aiva. i want him here on christmas and easter and birthdays and just any damn day!! i know he was hurting. i know he’s not hurting anymore. i just hate it! i hate it that i can’t see him.  i hate it that it matters so much still. i hate it that i worry i’m a horrible person and he’s disapointed in me. i hate it that my family has fallen apart since he left.

i’m just emotional and ranting. please don’t respond to this. i know tomorrow will be better.

Posted by Shira at 02:54:32 | Permalink | Comments (2)