grasping at darkness
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today marks 9 years that my dads been gone. how am i supposed to feel about that? i’ve felt like throwing up all day. the thought of crying keeps entering my head. i keep pushing it back. how stupid to cry. people say “i know he’s in a better place” but mostly thats a bs phrase we use to makes our selves feel better. i can’t guarantee that he’s in a “better” place. But I can say that knowing the kindo f man/husband/father/son that my dad was. strong, beautifull christian man. i beleive he’s with God.
i can’t help it. the tears keep coming. it’s pissing me off for some reason. he died when i was 15. i’m 24, when in the hell is it going to get any easier?! i miss him so damn much i can’t stand it. i want him to know chip. i want him to kiss aiva. i want him here on christmas and easter and birthdays and just any damn day!! i know he was hurting. i know he’s not hurting anymore. i just hate it! i hate it that i can’t see him. i hate it that it matters so much still. i hate it that i worry i’m a horrible person and he’s disapointed in me. i hate it that my family has fallen apart since he left.
i’m just emotional and ranting. please don’t respond to this. i know tomorrow will be better.
Even when you are 47, as I was when my mom died, it is a very traumatic occasion. It has been 11 years, and I still cry when I think about her death and all she has missed. I think your feelings are very normal, and you having been so young when you lost your dad exacerbates the grief. Go ahead and cry…
I can guarantee you that if my father died I’d feel exactly like you’ve described for the rest of my life. Crying is fine. Really.