a place of becoming

feels like its been forever since i've written. and it has in a way. alot has happened since last time i posted. unfortunately this will be short as well and not much detail but i promise i will write again soon and much more in depth.

in short my car hates me and decided to just give up on me last week. i'm up for a position and hoping and praying i can get it. better hours. better money. ALOT LESS stress. chip had an interview and it looks promising(good luck sweetie!) 3 weeks of no smoking. or is it 4? either way it's over. no cravings. no worries. woo hoo! aiva has been well to put it very very nicely, extremely moody and opinionated lately! just talking back and grrr,we've been bumping heads,lol. but i try to remember that we made it through the "terrible two's" with only a few bumps in the road so it looks like the terrifying threes are in full swing,lol. i think i made that up but beleive me it applies.

anyway i saw The Phantom of the Opera with my older sister,mi mi from work and her parents on tuesday night. ::sigh:: beautifull,amazing,magnificent,inspiring,surreal. ::sigh:: really. it was that great. I cried like an idiot and danced around with a man playing his saxaphone on the street corner afterwards. chips biggest mistake was handing me money before i walked out the door, i bought the soundtrack. yeah i'm sure to annoy just about everyone around me. :sigh:: loved it! absolutely beautifull!

anyway let me hop off and attend to my munchkin. hope you're all remembering to stay loved and loving! sweet drems my dear ones

~* more than yesterday. less than tomorrow. i love you.

first day back to work after a long weekend. boooy did that suck. lol. i shouldn't say that. but it did!
i requested off for yesterday in advance. dropped aiva off at day care and came back home and climbed right back into bed. Lol. i couldn't help it!  it was soooo cold outside. darn chip and his furnace like qualities!

But I just had such a great day with him yesterday. we didn't do much at all. just spending time together. hours and hours. it was so nice. not a whole lot of alone time since the honeymoon. but it's nice to do this when we can. cuddles and hugs and tickles. love it.

i'm silly tonight and not very poetic. kind of stuffed up actually. but 12 days no cigarettes! i don't even crave them anymore.  this is good! very very good.

oh and i FINALLY got my license switched over to new name and address. when we were walking out he looks at my picture and smiles and holds my hand and says " in all aspects. you're legally mine now". lol. as if i'd have it any other way!

sweet dreams my dear ones. smile and hug and kiss and just enjoy the ones you love close at hand.

I woke up a little later than usual today. aiva was very adament about mommy coming in and playing with her moon sand this morning. so i apeased her and laid on her bed with my fuzzy brown blanket while she watched cartoons and sang old mcdonald completely wrong and twirled round her room with her purple mermaid big girl shoes on. when she was appeased i tried to sneak back in and get some more cuddle time with chip. a few minutes later i hear "MOOOOOMMYY" and i know cuddle times over.

After breakfast we headed out to mom and poppas.  put away the christmas ornaments and decorations and later ordered pizza. good times. sorry i'm not poetic tonight.got a derrrrn tooth ache. grr.

ps. i love my hubby! :*P

sweet dreams dear ones.

..."into your heart I'll beat again. sweet like candy to my soul. sweet you rock and sweet you roll. lost for you i'm so lost. for you. when you come crash. into me. and i come into you.

yeah. and the boys dream and the boys dream. touch your lips just so i know. in your eyes love. it glows so i'm bare boned and crazy. for you. yeah when you come crash into me. and i come into you

now i've gone overboard and i'm begging you to forgive me lord. in my hate but i hold you so close. to me. and you come crash into me. baby. and i come into you....." Dave Mathews Band -Crash

Dave Mathews is singing to me tonight. they hear the notes and beats. they know my heart tonight.
Aivas sleeping. next to her oversized plush electric green Frog. Chips at the Billiards hall shooting some pool with a couple of  friends. I'm lying on the couch. Neil Young sings to me now ...."give me things that don't get lost. like a coin that won't get tossed. rolling home to you...."mmm beautiful Neil Young.

It makes me smile to know chips out with his friends. i miss him yes. constantly. but it's nice for him. he's got some really good ones. friends.

i feel clouds rolling in. but good ones. not the hazy sticky gray. the hesitent smokey pale white and sky blue  and grey. so willing. so beautiful. fathomless love. i wrote for him. some reason it won't send. i'll try again tomorrow.

no smoking. one week tomorrow. that's good right? and still sticking to the diet. although i did have a peanut butter cup. Pink Floyd......"hey teacher! leave those kids alone. all  in  all  you're just another brick in the hole". is that right? that doesn't sound right.

he's been so amazing lately. soft and warm and sweet. not that he isn't always amazing. of course! ::wink*: but you know. just looks and little things i'm sure he doesn't realize he's said. i get those sick little flutters in my belly.

The Cranberries".......the violence caused such silence. who are we mistaken. now you see. it's not me. it's not my family. in your head. in your head. they are fighting. with their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns. in your head. in your head. they are crying! in your head. zombie. zombie. zombie.another mothers breaking heart is taken over. like the violence causes silence. we must be mistaken. its the same old deed since 1916 in your head. in your head. they're still fighting....."

the last week or so has seemed un natural or something. like the new year really brought something else with it. something refreshing and....new. it's corny. i'm serious. ask my husband. he feels it too. it's a tingle of anticipation in the pit of my stomach. it's our first year as a married couple. i love him like air and sunlight and everything that's good. i get shaky. but it's a year for us. i feel it. i love my husband. really really.

Date night tomorrow.....movie for sure? not for sure. a maybe. i want to sit in his lap and hold his face and look at him mostly.that's it. i feel it growing in me all over again. we already did the falling in love thing right?. but i keep feeling it. again again again. i want to see him and touch him and smell his cologne constantly. sorry

Nirvana....." hello. hello. let the light now. hit the stages. here we are now. entertainers. i feel stupid and contagious. here we are now. entertainers..."

my arms numb. whenever i feel the tingles i think of the picture of the girl who was in love with her own image so much she would  stand by the water and gaze at herself until she fell in and drowned and became an image in the water for all time. isnt' that the story? i think so.

i want to go to a deserted night club and have all of the strobe lights going and i want Bob Marley blaring as loud as it can go. and i want to wear a long flowy dark blue dress  with shimmery beads on it and i want to dance with my eyes closed and my head all the way back. and twirl and twirl until i'm sick to my stomach and then i'll fall down and lay on my back and keep my eyes closed and just tap my toes in the air.

Bob Marly "..........do you hear me? oh my rythym. rythym is the morning. so rythym. rythym at mid day time....."

i love you like the many reasons for living
you make a smile something real
take my hand and never let it go
please
"i want you to know i love you just like you,
love me. i need you just like you need me.
this is our year babe. this is our year."

i love you

"Old man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were. Old man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were. Old man take a look at my life I'm a lot like you. I want someone to love me the whole day through. Just one look in my eyes and you can tell it's true...."

Love Neil Young. I think he's the artist I'd so like to meet.

So I've been pulling up this blog and just writing poetry on the spot. I'm going to leave something edited tonight.


transitions

i try to hold myself back
my spirit rushing towards the water
grasping. desperately. to be submerged beneath the waves
floating down into the dark blue waters
my spirit rushing towards you

every moment is an aching
to be looked at by you
to be thought of by you
to be touched by you
held by you

is it love or obsession
i'm yours and still
i'm scared to death of it

these words seem strangely hazy
i'm in love with you, there's no way to feel that
these words so black and white and so known
movements in my mind
beats of hearts and drums and feet
and freedom

i shake with it. the thought of years
the thought of birthday cakes and tears
thought of moving forward
the thought of standing still
i shake with it

is it love or obsession or fate
that i am yours now
don't be upset that i question it
love is thought is freedom is movement is always searching.....

 i've been always searching for you
now the feet are standing still and
the mind goes forward with out them

it's time to stop it
it's time to cease the moevment
it's time till you inhale the beauty

all of my life was to feel this
emotions that have no meaning or placement
don't be upset that i shake and i'm scared and i have to be alone

sometimes the rushing
the need to be submerged
is too much to explain

you move me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

three days. still ok. lunch with momma and poppa. love you both with all my heart
sweet dreams dear ones.

i don't want to talk today. i don't want to breathe or blink. i don't want to clean or do laundry. i don't want to wash faces or make dinners.  i don't want to plan or worry. i don't want to remember the past or think of the future. i want to lye in bed all day. the covers pulled to my ears. warm and snug and blessedly silent. that's all i want. don't ask what's wrong.  you know me. it's never anything. it's just shira being shira again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
yellow red blue blending into white
it's binding and it's mine
strands of nothing creating time
giving me purpose

keep me busy
just one moment longer
i can't stomach the silence
i can't stand the noise

it's not a knowing
and it's not a need to become
it simply is the life of my mind
accept it. please

it's either this or darkness
the many tragedies of life to consume me
smoke,liquor,sex,drugs....
i wish you could see how it's all so meaningless

keep me busy
place my wishes in a bottle and stop them up
send them soaring and turn me away
i don't want to know where they land
i don't want to know if they're landing at all

when it breaks it will leak air any way
a great outpouring of oxygen
so hard to contain my thoughts
flying, flying things

these words are all just nonsence
cold and quiet and needing distraction
it's all right to stop
stop

~*~*~*~*~*~
started the non smoking late. 2 days cigarette free. not doing bad. or not too bad i think.

before the light there is the void. deep and perplexing. it draws on the strings of imagination. longing for purities so far beyond human capacity.

i gaze on blankley. feeling disconnected to all of it. part of the void. blessedly part of it.

it pulls and prods me down. but this is not darkness. it simply is. because that is the motion of life. is this purpose?

i've got visions of transitions and maniacle laughter churning inside.
i look to you to become. something you think is needed.
and i look at the product of "US" in a new light.

good or bad. soon we shall see. but can anything be bad? the void is dark and  endless and  un knowing.
but also refreshing.new.

rebirth is the containment of the void for a while. a rebirth at once.
so disconnected.
my mind to this thing.