a place of becoming

Who Will Save Your Soul
People living their lives for you on TV,
They say they're better than you and you agree.
She says, "Hold my calls," from behind those cold, brick walls.
She says, "Come here, boy, there ain't nothin' for free."
Anther doctor's bill, a lawyer's bill, another cute cheap thrill.
You know you love him if you put him in your will. But

(Chorus)
Who will save your soul, when it comes to the flowers, now?
Oh, who will save your soul after all those lies that you told, boy?
And who will save your soulds if you won't save your own?
La da da da di da da la da da ya die.

We try to hustel them, try to bustle them, try to cuss them.
The cops want someone to bust down on Orleans Avenue.
Another day, another dollar, another war,
Another tower went up where the homeless had thier homes.
So we pray to as many diff'rent gods as there are flowers,
But we call religion our friend.
We're so worried about saving our souls, Afraid that God will take his toll that we forget to begin. But

(Chorus)

Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill.
Got social security, but that don't pay your bills.
There are addictions to feed and there are mouhts to pay,
So you bargain with the devil, but you're OK for today.
Say that you love them, take their money and run.
Say, "It's been swell, sweetheart, but it was just one of those things,
Those flings, those strings you got to cut,
So get out on the streets, girls, and bust your butts."

(Chorus)

~Jewel

SARA BAREILLES

~* FAIRYTALE *~

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor

She's got a

Crush on the guy at the liquor store

Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore

And she forgets why she came here

Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood

For shame she says

None for you dear prince, i'm tired today

I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

Cause i don't care for your fairytales

You're so worried bout the maiden
though you know

She's only waiting
on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause

What else can you do

With seven itty-bitty men?

Sends them to bed and calls up a friend

Says will you meet me at midnight?

The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says

Would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair

I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

Cause i don't care for your fairytales

You're so worried bout the maiden though you know

She's only waiting on the next best thing

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom

Man made up a story said that i should believe him

Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight

But i don't want the next best thing

So i sing and hold my head down and i break these walls round me

Can't take no more of your fairytale love

Cause i don't care for your fairytales

You're so worried bout the maiden though you know

She's only waiting on the next best thing

I don't care

I don't care

Worry bout the maiden though you know

She's only waiting spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb

Appreciation

But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending

Cause i don't want the next best thing

No no i don't want the next best thing
~S.B

" Falling. The experience of falling in a dream suggests that you do not feel in  control or that you need to extract yourself from some situation.   Such dreams commonly occur commonly when you are unable to determine the cause of your uncertainty or are postponing choices or decisions.

  They also might occur when you go to sleep but worry that youw on't wake when you should or are anxious about being late.

  It is common to dream of falling when you need to wake up and go to the bathroom"
~Dreams-Frank Garfield and Rhondda Stewart-Garfield

I've been falling, falling, falling for 24 years now. Nearly twenty five. Haven't you been as well? I hate the questions. But I love the becoming of them. 

I remember sitting in the library at 19 going through the books. Pictures of the way my town used to look in the early 1800's. I would press my face to the glossy pages. It drew me in. So so so very much. I wanted to be a part of the pictures. The beauty.The simplicity. The hard ships.

The small town I grew up in, in Ny was known for 4 famous people. Mark Twain (or Samuel Clemens), Hal E. Roach (the creator of the Little Rascals), Eileen Collins ( first female for a number of space missions) and Tommy Hilfiger (popular clothing/apparal designer).
 
Anyway I remember my first real visit to The Historical Meuseum in my small home town. I remember after the 3 hour tour one of the guides asked if anyone wanted to go into the attic for a peak at the newer items that hadn't been added yet. At twelve years old you can imagine how many of my classmates seemed interested. I jumped at the chance. Me and one girl and one other boy. The girl was later our senior year class Valedictorian,now she works for some web design corporation  in Orlando Florida, and the boy was always in high honors,now is a model in New York City. I'm so random tonight but ...I? ....simply couldn't stop dreaming.

I remember going into the attic and the woman bringing out many large white boxes. She pulled out  2 full evening gowns and laid them out on tables. Valises, and chemises and small gloves. Hand mirrors edged in  silver and tiny brush and comb sets. An old telephone.  A phono-graph(sp?). I wanted to crawl into the items on the table. History just absolutely intrigues me!

The house my husband and I live in belonged to his fathers parents. The basement is full of black and white photos, a dress or two from the 40's and 50's, old scarves, bibles, dishes, maps and post cards. Every chance I can I go down and explore.

This is so strange. I started off talking about dreams. Which I suppose is relevent to all of this. In my dreams lately I am walking down a crowded street. It is most likely around the early 1800s's. I'm wearing a long dress and there are horse drawn carriages pulling women and children and small families. In my dream I'm walking down the street with a 2008 mind frame, trying to blend, knowing I've gone back in time somewhow. I feel connected to this time and these people. I'm in love with it. I come to the street corner and wait for a carriage to pass, after they pass and I start walking again I start to stumble and fall into this black hole. At the very bottom I land hard on a concrete floor. When I stand up I'm dressed as modern day and I'm in a large white empty space. Completely empty. Void of any scenery, people or objects.

I dont know where I'm going with this. I'm full of poetry and no words to phrase any of  it. Sweet dreams.

my violet. wild flower. random beauty phrases,god! you don't even know that you matter at all. but you keep me moving,moving.

sorry sister,sorry. you love like fire and settle like ice. i feel the shiver. yeah...it's in me too. hereditary curse. 

i love you and it's like nothing. nothing to describe to you my mothers own.

you speak and it's like lightning. rolling like thunder and just as hard to keep. you say it's for LIFE only. but i see your hesitation.

sorry sister. i won't subscribe.

, I have to say I truly have alot to be thankful for. First and formost my Honeybear. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my 29 years of life, along with her came Aiva kiki, the 2nd greatest thing. I feel like for the first time i am whole. All 3 of us have been sick for the last couple of days but Aiva seems to have it the worst coughing and sniffling her way through the day trying her hardest to be in a good mood! ( she loves to burp ) thinks its the funniest thing, It's 12:30 in the morning she keeps coughing and waking herself up and all she says is juice took a big gulp and let out a burp and then chuckles. Shira just took her back to lay her down in my room, I like to keep it cool in there maybe kiki will be more comfortable .I'll just crash on the couch no bother to me but she is making a big deal out of it. I guess I tell shira I Love her atleast 50 times a day and times like now that just doesn't feel like enough. She started her new job and since I cant work right now I sit at the house all day only leaving for Physical Therapy or to go to my part time job that I have at night. I miss her so bad thoughout the day I just can't seem to get her off my mind I don't think she truly realizes what she truly means to me. So sice she has no Idea that I am writing this Shira I LOVE YOU with all my heart and Soul and that will never change!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a blurb Chip wrote in my old blog in November of 06. I find myself going back to this atleast once a week. and everytime i read it i feel like i'm going to crumble. i still get this huge lump in my throat. i'm telling on myself. i've never told him this.

Chip and I have been through alot in the two years we've known each other. Some pain. Physical definately and emotional as well. But everytime we look at each other we realize just how special this really is.

I always thought things happen for a reason. But maybe that's not necesarilly true. Fate is a beautifull thought but i rather like the idea of choice. I think God places us on the road but the predetermination ends there. I think on the road there are paths and paved ways and areas that are rough and trecherous and barely visible. Our choice comes in. I chose to move here at the drop of a dime. I chose to become a mother when I did. I chose to try and raise my baby on my own. I chose to ask Chip on that first date because honestly...i just felt so damn lost and something about the way he looked at me and talked to me, made me feel like i wasn't invisible anymore...like he understood me somehow, when I didn't even understand myself.

I look at Chip and my only regres i can say is all of the bull shit i had to go through to get to him. i'm sure if i hadn't  i wouldn't be the emotional wreck i am. i'm sure we'd avoid most of the disagreements we have, when we have them. i'm sure i wouldn't be constantly questioning everything, especially myself. i'm sure i'd annoy him alot less. and i'm fairly positive our aiva ki ki would be a while coming, and much fairer in features.  but the great thing is I didn't avoid those shitty experiences. i trudged right through. making irrational and immature decisions. i'm so blessed to have received so many wonderful things from some of my mishaps. the great thing is.he  loves me inspite of all this. despite of all this. whatever.

milan kundera said love is just "the first care fully phrased words entered into a womans poetic memory".  and i guess that's true. because i remember him holding my hands, his eyes soft on my front porch. telling me he felt like he knew i was the one, even though we'd been together so short a time. he just knew it.  and they weren't  just words. he gave me so many little bits of his heart. i did love him even then.

and jonathan ashteu said something like "...sacrifice, especially of ones pride. comes just beside love". and maybe that's true. because i remember falling in love with him a little during our first date when he (very cheasily) lost a bowling game so that I would have the reward to ask anything of him, i think he was hoping i would ask for a kiss? (lol) nerd.

i love my husband so much. i love you chip.

in the chill of indecision. dripping liquid,her  hidden features. she walks softly to the mirror. presses her forhead to the pane. rotating, foggy impressions of  art and metaphorical love. fingers shaping solemnly. she makes a figure un recognized and needed. not needed. vainly yearned for. and it's just a mess of movement and garbage lyrics!

beat on that drum a little faster. your indecisions burn you! learning lines like lurid love songs. it's a deep drum beat rythym. taring into footsteps and cross phrases.

you're dripping the chill of  womanfull words upon me. wait....move just slightly.that's a girl.  let us pass on through.

she's a legend
sitting on that throne
it's cushions warn and warm
the stories she's read in that chair
the stories she's told

she's an image of energy
boundless and shooting off
still as the stirring air....
i am her and she is me
mother,lover,provider, Woman!

she's got dreams of past transgressions
inside she's still the girl she remembers
always the woman she hoped to be..
can she see this?
it's there in the nimble fingers
creating symbols of comfort and acceptance

i've got plans of greatness
and a mind filled with voids
she's silence and knowledge
she's living, she has lived
she's what i hope to be come

she's the swaying body of the ocean
her fingers of earth and feet of pebbles
she is rocking with a womb full of crickets
she is a following, an atonement, a sacred verse
she is a freedom

mother.

(This is for you momma , and my mother. For you Lissa and Peggy and for all of the mothers.  My words don't do you justice. don't do us justice. know that you're loved and appreciated and held in high regard for what you do everyday with out hesitation or regret. ((hugs and sweet dreams. love you all)) )
 

" i didn't know it was dreary outside, i didn't feel the dreariness
even when i saw the raindrops on the window...."he says

"the sky was over cast. but on a clear day I can see so far beyond.
i can see the feris wheel from the amusement park."he says

his eyes are smiling. his leg is raised. there's an air of
relaxation.

"are you ok? would you like a tissue? can I get you anything?"

he's lying in the hospital bed. still he's smiling. giving. thoughtfull.

chip taps my leg and smiles into my eyes.i love him. i want to see him smiling till it's hard to see.

" i think you look dashing with the facial hair" I say
" the cow lick is very nice, premeditated?" chip says
"all we need is a strip of blue in front and you'll look like a rock star" I say

he smiles. "Think they'd let me bring in my guitar?"

we leave. walk down the hall.  ontothe elevator. we help a woman in a wheel chair
onto the first floor. outside he holds my hand. the ground is wet. my feet are wet and cold. i wear flip flops come rain or snow. he squeezes my hand. he touches my heart.

as we drive away i look up at his window. 6th floor, all the way to the left. i imagine him squinting
into the distance, trying to make out the shape of the feris wheel. he's lying in a hospital room.
this is never a good time. still i know he's smiling. what a beautiful spirit.