all is well
"....you hold me with out touch"
i sit here staring into the screen. and the
music plays on repeat. i can't get enough
of it. it sounds like a crying when she sings.
it makes me want to lay down next you
and just look at your face. too many minutes
with out you. i don't think you'll ever really
understand just how much... just how much.
"...something always brings me back to you.
it never takes too long."
it makes me think of what water feels like.
have you ever gone swimming at night
alone? just laid back in the water and looked
up at the sky? i think of holding my dads hand
in the grocery store. when i was little. such soft
hands. soft as water.
"....i want nothing more, than to drown in your
love."
right now i'm half watching a tv show. on
mute of course, but with sara bareilles
singing. over...and over on the lap top. the
soft fuzzy brown blanket on my lap. angel
with her head half on my knee, dozing. the
lights sort of dim. an african family in a small
tribe. the woman just had a baby girl. she bathes
her and does a small ritual of passing the child
around the hut for kisses to the forehead. then she
looks at her and cradles herin her hands and
rocks back and forth, tired,exhausted really. just
looking into her face and crying softly.
instant unfathomable love.
"....you loved me cuz i was week, but i thought
that i was strong."
we search so much for ourselves. in accomplished
tasks. in the thought of others. in pay checks
and others faces, in their thought of us. i think
of darlene passing...i think of his grandma passing...
i think of my father passing....and i just can't
understand my own selfishness sometimes. my
own thoughts. it's so cliche but it's so true.
most deaths really are just un expected. i don't
want to leave any bad thoughts of me on the table
if something un expected happens. i just want my
husband and my daughter and my family to know
how much i love them and that i was mostly a good
person. or atleast
i hope so.
its been a while since i've been here. mothers day,
my birthday, natalies, momma's , dougs, fathers
day...good times. chip's got a new job and he's
really liking it. i'm very glad he's happy.
aiva's in a new day care and she's
grown so much just in her last month there.
all is well.
"....something always brings me back to you.
it never takes too long
